Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team