@SquidDad

I am dying

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@quikkim

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

@Lunatic_times

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

@kumailn

“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors

@Stonekettle

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

@KentWGraham

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

@Asbo_Unicorn

Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face