I am dying

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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.


[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.


1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos


My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”


I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.


It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.


“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors


I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.


My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.


Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face