I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Owl Sanctuary
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
LOOOOOOL
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant