I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
no!! no!!!!!!
