I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*