Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Investing in beetcoin

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”