Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.