Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*