I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
when someone rings the doorbell
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room