@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

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@LeftAtLondon

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@lmegordon

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

@krishna_van

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

@skickwriter

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@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@Metalligretch

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@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.