I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.