Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

i wonder why they stopped looking

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries