Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”