Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two types of dogs.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

North and South

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women