i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Fun Things
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Thanks to a fan for this one!
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.