Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

i baked you a cake

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree