i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.