Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

crochet youtube is brutal

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

I put the mess in domestic.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?