i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Do one person every day that scares you.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.