i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
🤔😂😂
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”