Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.