I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now