i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.