I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
You Might Also Like
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Tastes like chicken.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.