Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

he chose this

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here