I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school