I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
hey, alexa
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Heroic Misunderstanding
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”