I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?