everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You Might Also Like
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.