I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser