I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Showerkraut
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.