I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?