Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*