I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
How to walk around a museum
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too