I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe