I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.