I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
