I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Check out the legs on this baby
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
that colleague who touches your screen
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
is this store having a stroke wtf
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
