I am having an out of money experience.
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Cinematography is my passion
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
When the stylist spins you back around
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.