Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Whoops

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?