I am having an out of money experience.
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.