Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

This is painfully accurate 😅

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.