I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
This was the best day of my life
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
For real 🤣