Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake