Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.