I am HOWLING at this
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Running your mouth is not cardio.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?