I am HOWLING at this
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
for all #parents out there
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos