I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.