I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Oh hi lol
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
reviewed some movies recently
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense