I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
mood
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.