Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash