Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

The Assassin.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

🤷‍♀️

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax