Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

I feel it