I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?