I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
