I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”