Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

you stereotypes are all alike

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.