“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
