“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
You Might Also Like
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Going into Monday like
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
🤣😂🤣
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Basically.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”