I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
me linking you to my twitter
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol