Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

not for long

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Hmmmmm

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Love this guy

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

relationship goals

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Gods work.