Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

this is the news I live for

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

The Struggle

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.