Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Aight bet

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.