I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
You Might Also Like
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism