I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Ooh I do like a good funnel
pizza
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.