Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Flowers bee like

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Any refunds available?…

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️