I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
You Might Also Like
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.