I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
You Might Also Like
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Love thy neighbor’s dog