ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”